This just in...

This just in...

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are reportedly getting a divorce. Fox News blames Obama and claims it is a liberal conspiracy to erode away at the sanctity of marriage and the American way of life. Mitt Romney will hold a press conference later today.

Who the hell is Robert Caspar Lintner?

Thanksgiving is upon us and while many are scrambling to make a flight, cook a turkey, and put up with family members, I'm standing here wondering who the hell Robert Caspar Lintner is.

Go ahead, do a Google search. Look on Wikipedia.

Nothing.

Well, except for the sites which provide two quotes about Thanksgiving. Why do you think I'm asking who this person is in the first place? Yeah. THAT quote is popping up everywhere. It's almost as if someone made the guy up. There are no other mentions of Robert Caspar Lintner, except in reference to either of the two quotes below.

Thanksgiving was never meant to be shut up in a single day.
and
Thanksgiving is nothing if not a glad and reverent lifting of the heart to God in honor and praise for His goodness.

Did I miss a lesson in History class? Am I not religiously well connected enough? Who is this guy? I do not pass along a quote unless I know who it is that coined the phrase.

Palin vs Macfarlane...and Maher?

There is a small Twitter war brewing and for someone liberal like me, it's friggin hilarious.

The Back Story:
On the most recent episode of Family Guy, Sarah Palin and her Down Syndrome son, Trig, were the subject of a questionably low, but still fairly humorous joke. A new character in the series goes on a date with the eldest Griffin son, Chris. Chris asks the girl with Down Syndrome what her parents do. The girl responds that her mother is the former governor of Alaska.

There's the jab.

Palin went on Fox News to speak out against Seth Macfarlane and the show, Family Guy. Apparently the world is full of evil people. Yeah, I know. The poor gal hasn't looked in the mirror. Her snarky and bitchy comments from stump speeches and party affiliated addresses serve as evidence for her own evil streak.

But that's not where I'm going with this post. I'm taking it in a new direction. I'm calling out the Palin dittoheads.

Retweets on Twitter are quoting Maher as saying the following:
Palin’s Job at Fox Equivalent to Talking to Her Down Syndrome Baby

Made me laugh. Anyway.

Dittoheads at the FreeRepublic are going on their usual tangents, referring to Maher as scum, someone lacking intellect, and the like. By extension, these dittoheads are also referring to liberals in general, but specifically to Maher fans.

Hate to break it to you guys, but we feel the same about you wingnuts. We're not the ones opposing science.

So I have a proposition for the Sarah Palin dittoheads and ass kissers. Show me you differ with her on some issues. The entire thread I found on the FreeRepublic paints Maher fans as kiss asses who await his every word.

I'm a Maher fan, but I also do not agree with everything he has to say.

Proof? Sure.

On legalizing marijuana, I'm against it. Maher is adamantly for it. As a member of the medical community, I am against illicit substance use and abuse. Even if it were legal, I'd be against it. Medicinal purposes are different. Maher wants more than that. I don't. I really really don't. Potheads piss me off.

Along the same lines, Maher has a twisted perception of the medical community as a whole. He doesn't understand what makes people sick. He doesn't understand that more is involved in health care than eating healthy and all of that jazz. Maher goes on a rant like he has stock in Whole Foods. He has a thing against vaccines and medications. Those rants of his are crazy. Even his panel gets uncomfortable when he brings that crap up.

I have disagreed with some of his criticisms of Barack Obama, mainly with regard to the war on terror.

I have disagreed with Maher, to some extent, when it comes to religion. While I enjoyed Religulous, I consider myself more of an agnostic and have slightly more respect for certain people of Faith than he does. Yes, there are batshit crazy religious folks. Nuts are nuts. He and I are on the same page there.

There are several other smaller instances where I have shaken my head at the man, but he's a comedian, not a pundit, so he's there to make us laugh. I watch the show for a laugh. Republicans generally don't see Maher in that light. They consider him an entertainer with a following like Limbaugh can influence. Maher is something different, but I digress. No sense in trying to rationalize with a right winger.

So let's start with you, Palin ass kisser. What has she done or said that you personally disagree with as an "informed" voter?

That's the challenge. Who has the balls to step up? Who doesn't eat up every word the stretch mark-laden hockey mom says?

The Three Amigos...Summit

Barack Obama went down to Mexico to meet with Mexican President Felipe Calderon and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, a trio being referred to lately as the Three Amigos. The swine flu is apparently dominating the summit. I thought I'd throw a bit of humor at the situation with movie references. Have you seen The Three Amigos? One for each other and all for one!

Wherever there is injustice, you will find them. Wherever there is suffering, they will be there. Wherever there is swine flu, you will find the Three Amigos.

They discovered H1N1 originated in a scum sucking pig.

While consulting the Singing Bush on swine flu, someone accidentally shot the Invisible Swordsman.

The swine flu is our El Guapo.

If you cough after crossing your arms over your chest, putting your hands on your hips, and turning your head while thrusting your hip, you might have swine flu.

The bullets are still real.

Their rendition of "My Little Buttercup" was a huge hit with the locals.

Now they are being pitched for roles in a Cochise picture.

The Hotel Funk

You know what I'm talking about. Well, perhaps maybe you don't. Let me elaborate.

For those of us who travel across this country with any sort of frequency, hotel life is a very familiar experience. Room quality can vary as can the going rate for that room. The housekeeping staff rarely speaks any English. The remote control is probably the dirtiest thing in the room. The internet access can be hit or miss. Quite often, the shower heads are low-flow. The coffee pots don't always work either. You never really know what to expect.

One thing remains fairly consistent however. I'm talking about the cheap hotel soap. Unless you are accustomed to staying at an up scale ritzy hotel, you are familiar with this particular product.

Hotel branded lotion is usually nice. The shampoo can be good at times. The soap, on the other hand, is horrid. I call the smell the "hotel funk." It doesn't quite smell like body odor, but it's damn close. If you did not pack your own soap, this stuff is what you're left with. As a soap, it probably does affect the adherence of dirt particles and other nasties, so you can probably wash yourself clean with a certain level of confidence. The smell of the soap stays with you.

Take flight attendents for example. As they walk by you in the aisle on the plane, take a quick breath in and tell me if you smell "hotel funk." I have. Other passengers that have been forced to use hotel soap smell like it too. I have even smelled it walking through an airport terminal. On this most recent trip, even the hotel towels still reeked of "hotel funk." It apparently does not wash out when they do laundry. Maybe this particular hotel did not use detergent. Isn't that troubling? With the TSA liquid guidelines in place, I suspect more people are being forced to use cheap hotel soap instead of their own quality bar.

Like the bad B.O. in a Seinfeld episode, "hotel funk" is an entity.

Be Ready for Post-election Humor

If and when John McCain loses the election, comedians should take this one tip.

Write jokes related to Joe the Plumber.

Imagine every joke you possibly can about Joe the Plumber dealing with a campaign that got completely flushed down the toilet.

Plungers, toilets, pipes, and butt-cracks, oh my!

Lipstick on a pig

Barack Obama used the Lipstick on a pig analogy yesterday when talking about how the McCain campaign is trying to look like the party of change when they're just more of the same. The McCain response tried to claim Obama's comment was "disgraceful" because they thought Obama was referring to that bitch Sarah Palin. If he were referring to Palin, he would have called her something much worse than a pig. I have and I always will from this point forward.

According to the late night/early morning ABC News, McCain has used the same analogy in response to the Hillary Clinton Health Care Plan. You can bet rednecks ate that pig slop up when McCain said it. They probably forgot he said it. Their attention span is limited, you know. How else can so many watch Nascar where cars go around in circles?

Sorry soldier boy. It's open season on pigs wearing lipstick. Get used to it. By the way, I think Sarah Palin is ugly.

I used the analogy shortly after the Palin speech as did many other bloggers. It was the logical next step in my opinion. Somebody in the McCain campaign should have expected this analogy when Palin cracked the lipstick joke. As I said before, she did come across as a dog, but it wasn't a pit bull wearing lipstick. It was just your run of the mill bitch.

Yes, I'm throwing some vicious punches to groups who flat out deserve a beating.

If you didn't like the first BJ

If you didn't like the first BJ, you may not like the next BJ.

I am of course, in part referring to the Clinton blowjob fiasco Republicans can't seem to distract themselves from.

The new BJ on the other hand is something completely different, although Republicans may not like it either.

BJ?

Barack Obama and Joe Biden

Paris Hilton Responds To McCain

Well, at least we got Paris to respond to the ad by McCain that uses the images of both Paris Hilton and Britney Spears to portray Barack Obama as a pop culture superstar that isn't ready to lead.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/64ad536a6d

I don't usually watch anything that has Paris Hilton in it to begin with, but this one is hilarious. When I stopped by, it already had more than 3 million views and over 6000 diggs.

McCain is called "the oldest celebrity in the world" characterized by such visual aids as The Golden Girls, the Tales from the Crypt Crypt Keeper, Larry King, the KFC Colonel Sanders, and Yoda.

The folks at Funny or Die were right. McCain bit off more than he could chew when he decided to enter the realm of pop culture. It falls in line with my belief that Republicans get their asses handed to them when we take things into the private sector and out of the regulated world of political campaigns. Sorry, I couldn't resist using the words "bit off more than he could chew," a common phrase used by rednecks when you piss them off, but they can't do anything about it aside from fall back to their sewing circle.

"I'll see you at the debates bitches."

One Liner @ Jeremy Hubbard

ABC World News Now ran a story about a girl who won a car thanks to perfect attendance. The story isn't the focus of my post. The news anchor is.

Jeremy Hubbard, one of the news anchors, asked how someone can't miss a single day. He said you've got to at least take one day off because you've got to stay home and watch some cartoons some time. That's what he said he did.

While I tend to think that Jeremy Hubbard and Vinita Nair are a great team, that comment might explain why he is on the late night shift and not in prime time.

I only have one last question to ask. Why in the world did you type "jeremy hubbard" into a Google search?

I will applaud his efforts to actually comment on news items and not just report them. It's refreshing to see news anchors who actually think. Vinita Nair deserves just as much credit in this department. Too bad it's late night news. Of course, all my visitors seem to care about is whether or not this guy is gay. Is that what you call newsworthy information?

Too Funny..Gay Marriage Conspiracy

I'm up watching Late Night with Craig Ferguson. He said something that I thought deserved to be posted here. Too Funny!

Gay marriage is really a right wing conspiracy to stop gay sex.
Think it through...
You got it? You know. Because once you get married, you stop having sex.
Haha

Good one Craig.

• NutriSystem Commercial

By now you have probably seen the NutriSystem commercial with Dan Marino and Larry the Cable Guy. Let's look at the marketing plan here. Who is the audience? No brainer. Fat redneck men who may or may not have the typical invincible male ego appear to be their target audience. The one with bowling balls even features a twangy country tune in the background.

Go after 'em with the same marketing angle for smoking too while you're at it.

If I hear Git R Done one more time, I might have to raid Ted Nugent's military grade arsenal and take out a few of these people. I sure hope this phrase is a fad that will fade away like "Where's The Beef?"

• Passport Snooping: Top or Bottom?

In a Reuters article discussing the recent unauthorized passport snooping by State Department employees, Condoleezza Rice was noted to have apologized and also said she would stay on top of it and get to the bottom of it.

Well which is it? Top or bottom? You can't get to the bottom by staying on top. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

I wouldn't want Condoleezza on the top or bottom of anything of mine. Fugly.

• Re: Bill Maher 2-1-2008

I really wanted Bill to mention Ann Coulter's bs that came out of her ass of a mouth today about campaigning for Hillary Clinton if McCain gets the Republican nomination. If I were Hillary, I would have come on national TV and declined the gesture and would have flat out said no way in hell would I accept her endorsement. Coulter claims that Clinton is more conservative than McCain.

Bill didn't, so I was disappointed.

There was one joke, however, that I heard him tell that I expected to have a completely different punch line. He was sitting down with that jerk off, Frank Luntz, and they discussed his Playboy article reflecting on a survey of liberals vs conservatives regarding sex. I've already heard something like these results before on his show, but apparently liberals have more interesting sex lives and conservatives have happier sex lives. So here came Maher's joke.

But Democrats are thinking about the person they're fucking. When Republicans have sex, they're not thinking about the person they're with. They're thinking about Democrats.

I expected a different joke because I've heard Bill talk about the almost homosexual infatuation Republican men have with Ronald Reagan. I expected him to say Republicans think about Reagan during sex instead of their spouse.

• Leno Humor

I'll start out a little light. I was watching Leno tonight and he was doing the monologue. He started to tell one of his jokes and sitting in my chair, I finished the joke before he did. However, he said something completely different than where my mind went. 

The joke you should have heard Jay tell:

A study found that the 1st thing men say they notice about a woman is her eyes.

His joke: 1st thing women notice is that men are a bunch of liars.

My joke: 1st thing women notice is a man's eyes looking down at their breasts

Maybe my mind is in the gutter way too often, but given the context of the set up, the logical punch line spun off the part about the eyes. Either one is funny and both poke fun at the same male behavior.